Outside Looking In
by Female-Fighter
Summary: "I can't believe you're leaving. I'll miss you." *You'll miss me?  We barely talk now and you'll miss me!yea you'll miss me listening to you whine!* "I'll miss you too. But, I'll be back for Christmas." Tamaki, Kyouya not a yaoi!
1. Chapter 1

Chapter 1  
><span><strong>"Friends" <strong>

**Disclaimer- **I own nothing!

Kyouya never held much stock in the word "friends". To him it was just a word that meant having someone to use for one's personal gain. Still even with that mentality he never hurt anyone with it. Not the way he was hurt by it. How he was feeling anymore made him sick to his stomach. The lack of a full night's sleep wasn't helping much either. Closing his cell phone in frustration he threw it on his bed before collapsing on top of it. Grabbing his pillow he tightly shut his eyes, one day everything would be different he was sure of it. It had to, for even thinking that this was his fate was too much to bare. How did things end up this way any way? How did he end up this way? He always kept distance from others, that was what he did since he was little but then how come he let that idiot in? How did that dumbass get so close that he considered him a "friend", "best friends" even? In doing so he created this sense of security, this sense that they would always be there, they could talk about anything. He hadn't been wrong either; they talked all the time and about virtually anything.

The feeling he got when he knew they were always there, that they understood was unexplainable. He was happy, as crazy as that sounded he was happy with all that was going on around him. Life didn't seem so one tracked anymore. He wasn't solely focused on just his father's happiness anymore. Holding the phone conversations, hanging out with people not just for their families influence was a nice change. Doing things he normally wouldn't have was a nice and richer experience. He was getting a better lesson on life and what it had to offer this way. But, where did it go now? It started out wonderfully but now it seemed to vanish, like it was just some made up fantasy.

Maybe it was, maybe what he believed to be reality was really nothing more than dreams. If so then he would have never dreamt at all. To be haunted by what he once had was something he wasn't enjoying. The yearning for those days to come back, the memories that pained his heart and brought tears to his eyes needed to go away. Things had to change, if that meant saying good-bye to everything then so be it. He had enough, he was done, his heart couldn't handle being broken anymore.

Taking one last look at his phone to see it holding no messages or missed calls he turned it off and went to his computer. He needed something to subdue the anger he felt rising. No not anger, sadness, sadness that he was the one outside the circle. He felt it at times at school but it became visible after, when he was left alone. Especially on days like today. He got to hear his "best friend" talk about all he planned to do today, all the things they used to do together. Now he did them with someone else. It wasn't like he was "with" this new person; they weren't a couple they were just friends, as they were. Since they were friends though it seemed he was no longer needed. He needed to get away from here, somewhere far where he could start new and forget about what he lost. He needed to think about college, maybe someplace in the city. He would be far enough where he could start fresh yet close enough where he could come home for the holidays. That would be perfect actually, now he just had to find a school best suited for his desires.

The more he planned his new life the less the pain was. He was actually excited for this. His heart raced as he was e-mailed back from one school saying he was accepted already. They had no entrance exams to worry about you just had to apply early enough which it seemed he did. Grabbing his credit card he filled out the form for the school deposit and looked around for housing options the school offered while he tried to fax over the forms they e-mailed him. This was really happening, in September he would be moving to the city. He would get a fresh start, meet new people, make new friends, it will be great. He would even dorm with someone, not that he had too but he heard stories that people could become very close to those they lived with and that's what he wanted. He could see it now, seeing the sites with his roommates, going for food, joking about school, god how the thought made him giddy with excitement. Though he would never let it show, he would smile, a smile was acceptable.

Even with months to go before he had to move he made a list of all the things he would need. It would probably be shorter once he learned who his roommates were and what they were bringing but he would need the basics, bedding, towels, etcetera. Hearing a maid outside his door telling him about dinner he stopped for now. He could pick it up after, now he had to tell his father about his plans. He could tell his father was unsure of this idea, he didn't see how it would benefit him in the long run of trying to surpass his brothers.  
>"It may not but this will help the family. By me living how the mass population does I can see what they truly desire and we can use that information to our advantage." It may not be the real reason he wanted to do this but whatever got him there.<p>

As graduation approached he watched as his desire to move grew too. He couldn't take living at home anymore, he couldn't take hearing his "best friend" talk about what he was doing and where he was going but never inviting him along. He was pushed aside for the others, did that idiot really not see how much that hurt. To hear stories of what they did or went to go see and never once seeing if he wanted to join. Actually something hurt more than that, when they did finally get together someone else would tag along so they didn't get to really hang out and left him feeling like a third wheel. Did he do something wrong? Had he said something that hurt the other? He must of done something to deserve this, he would apologize if he did. He may be an Ootori but he was still human, and if he messed up he would try to fix it. Rolling over on his bed he half listened to his stereo while he stared at his calendar. A little over sixty days until he went away for school and right now he couldn't wait.

_*Hey, you free today?*_ Kyouya stared at the text message his phone currently displayed. Technically he was but he wasn't sure he wanted t say yes and have no excuse should it be another "hang out."  
><em>*Sort of why what's up?*<em> He really hated texting but when it came to this he preferred it. Ignoring the other person go on and on about how he had things so tough was much easier this way. He couldn't feel sorry for them, when you do stupid things you shouldn't freak out when stupid things happened it, was basic common sense.  
><em>*Come over for a little bit.*<br>*I'll see what I can do.*  
>*Alright, I'll be here all day.*<br>*Okay, I'll let you know when I'm on my way.*  
>*Sounds good.*<em>  
>Was he really going to do this? He should, it might be the last time they get together before he went to school. He won't stay long, an hour tops. That sounds good; yea he'll just do that.<br>_*I'll head over in a half hour or so.*  
>*Okay, can't wait! *<em>

"I can't believe your leaving. I'll miss you." Tamaki sat on the couch while Kyouya sat on the recliner, he didn't want to get too comforter he still planned to not stay long.  
><em>*You'll miss me? We barely talk now let alone see each other and you'll miss me? Yea, you'll miss me listening to you whine!*<br>_"I'll miss you too. But I'll be back home for Christmas."  
>"I know and I keep telling myself that. Plus you'll only be what, an hour or so away so it won't be that bad. We'll have to get together when you come home in December."<br>"Of course."  
>They talked for a little bit longer before Kyouya got up to go. He figured this would be the last time they really did this. He said they would have to get together at Christmas but the chances of that actually happening were slim. As he got into his waiting car he couldn't help but think of their memories together as friends and how they would probably stay memories, no new ones would be created after today.<br>"Good-bye Tamaki."

Sitting at his new desk he looked around at his dorm room. He really did it; he made it to the city for school, for a new friends and new memories. He only met one of his roommates briefly while he moved in they started moving in but they arrived with family so they basically dropped off his stuff and went site seeing. His other roommate he hadn't met yet but learned right away that they were a total slob. There were clothes everywhere on their side of the room and the bathroom was littered with razors and bathing things. They seemed to have added a shower rack though it held nothing but used disposable razors even with the garbage can not even five feet. The shower curtain was completely moldy; he didn't want to touch it unless he had gloves on. To add to this room delights he looked in the fridge and saw nothing but rotten fruit and way past the expiration date milk. It was a good thing his father didn't come to help him move in or else he would have been taken back home no questions asked. Looking up on top of the microwave which is on top of the fridge which just happened to be next to his desk he saw a ton of food and something that made him really look around, fish food. This guy owned a fish? What about the no pet rule the building had in place? Whatever, it was just a fish; trying not to find it anymore he went back to his laptop. He just got to where he left off when he saw his phone light up. It was Tamaki; did he want to see what it said? Knowing he was going to be sorry he opened it up.  
><em>* I miss you, I wish you were still back home.*<em>  
>In reality he wanted to scream and text back, <em>* yea whatever, what nobody wants to hear you bitch about stupid shit like you always do?* <em>But he didn't feel like starting shit so he hit reply and typed._ * I'll be back in December and I'm only in the city.*_  
>A few minutes later his phone went off again.<br>_*I know but it still feels weird that I won't see you around until then.*_ How was it weird, they never saw each other for six months normally? God he was so happy to be gone, now he could move on from him. He could see the truth of their friendship for what it was. Tamaki used him all this time. He knew now that back then he was there for whenever it worked for him and now he was gone and he had to face facts. They were never really friends; he was just a peg to hold the place of someone else when that other person wasn't there. He was glad he was alone as he rested his head on his desk and tried to ignore the pain in his chest. No, he wasn't going to let him get to him anymore. Slipping his phone and wallet in his keys he left his room to go explore and learn the city. In two days he had orientation, he had to figure out how to get there from here.

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So there you guys have it, chapter one. This is based off of real life experiences and I can pretty much guarantee this won't be updated as quickly. This might change once I get some of my other projects up but I'm saying this for now. Please review and let me know what you think.  
>~Femalefighter~<p> 


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2

**Disclaimer-**I own nothing!

Just about two weeks in and Kyouya had enough. The room was infested with nats, the shower curtain rod kept falling, the carbon dioxide alarm was broken and he learned an interesting fact about his roommate. He learned that he was a total slob; nothing was his problem. His other roommate had enough it seemed as well and put his foot down. Together they started cleaning up the fridge and microwave. God Kyouya hated the slob. He couldn't wait for October when he graduated and moved out.  
>"Is any of this food yours?"Christopher stood above Kyouya talking to the other guy about what was next to the door on a horribly placed shelf.<br>"Nope. Nothing but the pizza box in the fridge is mine. All the food was left by my two previous roommates."  
>Kyouya wondered if Chris hated that guy as much as he did right now. Even though he came from money he had no problem getting his hands dirty and pitching in, but that guy was an ass. He didn't care if he lived in filth if it wasn't his problem he didn't care. In his mind since they were here now they could deal with it. Kyouya tried not to gag as he dumped old, gross, smelly milk down the sink, the only thing that stopped him from vomiting was knowing that if he got all the spoiled food thrown out he should be able to get rid of the nats. As he ran up to the kitchen on the floor above him he thought about home. Other than dealing with a disgusting roommate he loved it here. He didn't have to worry about parents or permission or dealing with people bitch about all the shit they had to deal with. He also loved school so far. The classes were small and held people from all over so in time he believed they would all become extremely close. Unlike other schools where each class had different people he had the same group all day for every class and that wouldn't change at the end of the semester either. Yea this school was exactly what he was looking for. Giving up on the microwave turntable he was washing he went back to the room.<br>"This is the best I could get it."  
>"That's fine, it's better than it was, it's a lot better actually."<p>

Once they were done cleaning Kyouya looked at his phone to see a message from Tamaki, twenty bucks he knew what he wanted already.  
><em>*Hey*<br>*Hi*  
>*What's up?*<br>*Just cleaned the dorm room with roommates finally. You?*  
>*Nothing. I really wish I had gone back to school this semester.*<br>_Tamaki had decided not to attend any college this year because he had no idea what he wanted to and other reasons why he skipped, though many people told him what majors he would probably love and excel in. Kyouya held no pity for him, he did it to himself and he had no one to blame but himself. Having nothing to say to him about that topic he didn't type anything back. He really didn't want to start a fight, though he wouldn't care if their friendship ended. That was one thing he learned about himself even before he came up here, he didn't care anymore, about anything.

Laying in bed Kyouya tried to fall asleep, he wasn't having doubts but he wondered if this really was the best choice. The slob was really pissing him off, he really didn't care about anyone about himself it seemed. He was still on the phone talking to his parents and saying nothing but lies about all the things he did. He was nothing but a pig and a liar. He left in three weeks, and those three weeks seemed to drag on forever. He had only been here for two weeks and he had gone home both weekends. His father knew he hated the one roommate and didn't complain about having him come home. He hadn't talked to Tamaki really since he left. He would text him about once a day, more if he was bored or complaining, in which Kyouya wouldn't text back. A part of him couldn't believe Tamaki didn't understand how much he didn't care, how much he wanted to say good-bye forever. Then again Tamaki had always been a dumbass so maybe it wasn't all that surprising. Rolling over he tried to shut his eyes, he had class in the morning and as much as he didn't care about anything else he cared about his classes.

Seeing the slob starting to pack was a glorious day for Chris and himself. Chris offered him trash bags to help him pack sooner. It wasn't like they wanted him to leave or anything; that would be rude. As clothes started to come off the floor Kyouya couldn't believe they actually had a floor, he could walk on it and not jump over things just to enter the bathroom. It was a miracle. He wasn't spiteful or anything but he hoped they had a rough awakening in the real world. He hoped that life slapped them across the face because they truly needed it.

"Do you mind if I go to his bed? The internet over here is horrible."  
>"Go ahead, I wasn't planning on moving." Chris had no space really so he didn't mind if he took it, though if he hadn't <em>then<em> he would have moved. Slob had the biggest part of the room and now that he was gone one of them should run to it. It was nice to finally talk to Christopher after living with him for little over a month. They were so disgusted before they didn't want to talk, hopefully now they could become closer. Though seeing how hard Chris focused on his papers he didn't want to bother him with idle chit-chat. He couldn't remember what major he was in exactly but he knew it involved a lot of papers and hours of research, not to mention concentration. Chris was also worried because he had to turn in a huge project by Christmas and he had no idea what it would be about. They may not have talked a lot but he learned a lot about him and what was going on when he called home. He didn't like to eavesdrop but the room wasn't exactly huge.

In class he couldn't believe how much he laughed and had a good time. He had been right about them all becoming close, you could see it easily. There were these two he had talked to the most, they didn't talk outside of class but that was okay. They were doing a lot of group activities and for once he didn't completely hate it. He enjoyed working with everyone to complete the given task and they all seemed to enjoy it to making it more fun for everyone. Lunch was a different story but he could handle it. That seemed to be when his insecurities peaked. Everyone would sit together, laughing and having a good time and he felt strange joining them, wondering if they really wanted him there. Seeing an empty table he put his stuff down and opened a notebook he carried with him. That seemed to be one of the things he kept from high school, his love for writing. He still had no drive to pursue it but he loved to do it. He loved pouring his thoughts and feelings into characters. A few times it opened his eyes to what was going on around him. Maybe help him see the truth for what it was. Usually those discoveries ended up hurting him but at the same time he enjoyed that. He believed it helped him grow and understand the world better.

"Hey Kyouya, why don't you come sit with us instead of sitting alone?" Looking up he saw a girl from his group standing over him.  
>"Sure, okay, thank you." Putting away his things he grabbed his chair and moved between two others. They didn't seem to mind him joining them but he had no idea what they were talking about. That was fine though, at least he felt a part of something. Seeing it was getting close to the start of their next class they all got up to head over together. This was the class that always worried him, for some reason the teacher loved for them to do activities that exposed some part of them to the class. He wasn't sure what that had to do with anything or if that was even supposed to happen but it did. He always got paired with this one girl he swore was on drugs or high and he didn't like others to see inside of him. It took years to become as guarded as he was he didn't like dropping it, or, even if he could. Still, he tried though and did his best not to let his partner get to him that much. Though, he had snapped at her, as had as the rest of the class when they worked with her. She weirded him out most times too, and she insisted on sitting next to him and when she did she would stare at him. Not even as "I think your attractive and can't help but stare" way but she would whip her head towards him and stare. He tried his hardest to not let it get to him but it was hard not to, she really creeped him out. He didn't see her staying in class much longer which was good. The class and most of the teachers were done with her.<p>

As more time seemed to pass Kyouya found it harder to be happy. He wasn't sure what was going on with him but he didn't like it. He loved his classes still but he noticed he never really spoke to anyone, he was just there. They would make plans it sounded like but he never went, he was never invited and he wasn't one to ask if he could tag along. On one Friday he was asked if he was old enough to go drinking but when he said not yet they never invited him out again. His one friend sounded down by hearing that but there was nothing he could do about it. He became legal to drink in a few months; he wasn't going to bother with getting a fake id. Nothing helped that he was more or less cut off from his family funds. As part of the agreement to moving here he had to give up his credit cards and open a new bank account. He had money but not a whole lot and was only given so much a week to live off of. He was supposed to find a job but it was harder to get than he thought it would be. He applied to a few places but never heard back from any of them. One kept sending him e-mails for new openings that he always applied to hoping to hear about getting an interview, so far though he heard nothing. With limited funds though, going out seemed impossible since he didn't have the extra cash to spend.

Sitting by a large window he stared out of it with his notebook on his lap. He seemed to be writing quite a lot lately. Even in class when he wasn't doing anything he would open his notebook and start to write.  
>"You like to write a lot don't you?"<br>Hearing someone, he saw a few of his classmates watching him from the table he sat next to.  
>"Yes, I've been doing it for years."<br>"What do you write about?"  
>"Well, um, different things. I don't know how to explain it." Actually he hated trying to explain them to others. He always became embarrassed by it, though there wasn't really anything embarrassing about it.<br>"Can I read it sometime?"  
>"It's not very good. I've never taken a formal writing class before. It's not something I've ever wanted to pursue."<br>As the conversation dwindled he went back to looking out the window before he wrote a few sentences at a time to stop and stare again.

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So Paris, For You, For Us has finally ended with means this is top priority. Sorry for the long delay but I thank you for sticking with me. Hope you all enjoy it, please review and leave thoughts and comments.  
>~Femalefighter~<p> 


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3

**Disclaimer- **I own nothing!

Another night feeling miserable, what a surprise, this feeling had been going on for months now. He had already cut class from it; a day spent in the city had helped. He was in school and was on lunch, as he waited for it to end he couldn't get his mind to stop. His body ached as the feeling of being alone increased. Unable to take it anymore he got up from his seat, grabbed his things and left the building. Jumping on the train he put his headphones in and put on songs reserved for days like this. Days when he needed to feel worse to feel better. The train ride back to the dorm seemed to take forever but that was good. He didn't want to rush, he wanted to think.

Dropping his school bag in the room he made sure he had his wallet and left again. He needed to walk, to go where ever his legs would take him. Keeping his headphones in he started just walking down the main road in front of the dorm. His mind was swirling about everything, about life, about school, and about being alone no matter what. It seemed that no matter what he did it didn't change the fact that he was replaceable to everyone he knew. He could move anywhere he liked and that fact would remain the same. He didn't know how to be a friend or act like a best friend when he really never had one. Sure people acted friendly to him but he could disappear and they probably wouldn't even notice. Even here, sure he was friendly with his classmates but it wasn't like they were actually friends or anything, not really. Once classes ended for the day they would all leave he wouldn't hear from them until tomorrow. He couldn't recall the number of times he would turn from grabbing his school bag and see he was alone in the classroom. What had he done to deserve this? All he had ever wanted was to feel a part of something. To hold a friendship that was cherished by both of them. To know if they ever said good-bye both would be saddened by it. To know he could call that person and invite them out to enjoy a day.

Coming across a park he sat in one of the open benches. There was nothing he could do to change these facts. That was the given, the only thing he could do was accept it and try to make the best of it. His life would always be like this, coming out here was stupid, he saw that now. He moved away from home hoping to start new but now he saw that nothing would change. This was the fate he was given. Standing up he headed back to the dorm. It was getting late and he was getting hungry. He could try to talk to his family but they made it seem like it was such an inconvenience when he asked so he didn't bother anymore. And he talked to no one from back home but Tamaki on occasion and when they did talk he hated it. All Tamaki did was complain and no one's problems were as bad as his were. It was always a one sided conversation and he was tired of calling him. Even their text messages were pointless, looked like he would write again tonight or watch a movie online.

Entering the housing he saw a classmate of his waiting for the elevator. Roger was one of those he didn't talk to. He wasn't sure why, they just didn't talk to each other. Well he did scare him a little bit because he could snap at the drop of a hat but overall he seemed pretty cool.  
>"Kyouya, what happened? Why weren't you in class after lunch?"<br>"I wasn't feeling well. Sorry."  
>"Will you be back on Friday?"<br>"Yea I think so. I think it's just a bug."  
>"Oh okay, well see you Friday then."<br>"See you." Roger stepped onto the elevator to go into the basement to use the gym while he waited for the next one. Well at least someone noticed he wasn't there. He guessed that was a good sign.

Making a quick meal of rice in the microwave he watched a few things online while he ate before clearing his desk enough for him to write at it. He had been writing quite a lot lately. He stopped writing little things and actually started a novel. He wouldn't dare say it was good enough to even think about a future publication but it still meant a lot to him, he had a plot and a character that faced hardships and okay it was teenage drama story but he just wasn't that good at anything else. In this story his main character faced bulling in a new school just because he was new and no matter what he did he couldn't seem to fit in. Now he stood in his backyard watching the waves crash below. Seeing the waves and rocks he debated jumping. It would be an easy way to go with no mess for anyone to deal with. As he wrote the scene out he stopped as a different scene flashed before his own eyes. _He _was waiting for the subway when he stepped off the platform into the coming train. He wondered if anyone, besides the others waiting would care. Would anyone attend his funeral? Probably Tamaki, he would probably make a big thing about it. About how he left him all alone and he would miss him. Though he didn't even realize that they didn't talk now and sure he may be saddened it wouldn't be like he needed him. He would find someone else to talk to, he had someone else to talk to, to hang out with already. He would cry but they would be wasted tears for sure. Closing his notebook he put it away for now and opened his laptop. He needed a break from all of this; he wanted to get his mind off such thoughts. Pulling up a show he was watching online he picked up where he left off and watched until it was getting late.

The next morning he felt a little better, maybe he just needed a day to think, a day for himself. Sure he had days off from class but for some reason he preferred staying in the dorm. That could be from knowing he had the room to himself until six because Chris had class until five, five-thirty. Either way though he knew he needed yesterday and was glad he took it. He jumped right back into his classes after telling those that asked that he hadn't felt too well yesterday and that's why he missed his afternoon classes with them. It didn't take long to figure out what homework he missed and make sure he had it done for the next class, even though a few didn't remember what they had done and what was due. Sometimes he really worried about his classmates.

Christmas break had been nice, he went home the day after classes let out and had no plan to return to the dorm until they day before they started back up . Being home he missed living alone but knew this beat being alone all the time like he was at school. They day before he went back he saw Tamaki. He had helped him a week or so earlier with some emergency though after he realized that what Tamaki did was pointless. Having him panic wasn't pointless but it wasn't like he could really do anything and should have just waited for his father. But, this was Tamaki and he couldn't think anything through, still, helping him felt nice. It made him think that maybe they were on the right track to becoming close again. The following week that all changed again when he was the last to know something and had found out originally by a third party source. Once he had talked to Tamaki later that night it felt like he had to drag the information out of him. It wasn't even bad news and they had been texting the night before so it wasn't even like he didn't know what was going on. Tamaki had bluntly told him before he had to stop which was understandable. As a "best friend" he should have been told something by someone over there. Had the roles been reversed Tamaki would have been the first to know no matter what. He only spent an hour or so at Tamaki's even though he had been invited he felt out of place and was basically ignored anyway. God, when was Tamaki going to see this friendship was dead? And, when was he going to stop trying to have it go back to the way it was? It never could and he should stop wishing for it.

The trip back to the dorm was nice; Fuyumi and her husband drove him up. They helped him restock his fridge and closet with food. They hadn't stayed long which was fine he appreciated the gesture more than anything else. With nothing better to do once they left he opened his notebook to work on this story a little more. He had done a lot of writing during the break and got a lot of ideas for it so he couldn't wait to get them out of his head and onto paper. Sadly most of the ideas were still chapters away but if he worked on it then he would get there.

Chris got back to the dorm a little later in the day and they talked for a minute while he unpacked. It felt so awkward to talk when they rarely did the entire time they lived here. This was not what he had hoped for when he came out here that was for sure. They were both surprised they didn't have a new roommate. They had a short term guy with them until late November but not since then. That guy had been cool, a little odd but cool. Much better than slob that was for sure. Once Chris went on his laptop to start some new paper or whatever Kyouya went back to writing though he was playing around on his computer it seemed. Closing his notebook and putting it aside he watched some shows for a little while. This one was really funny and though he wasn't usually a fan of stupid funny he was hooked.

Classes picked right back up the next day as did the routine he had. Go to class, feel a part of something, eat lunch alone staring out the window, go back to class, then go home. He stopped trying to change how he felt because he could tell it was a lost cause. So long as his classmates didn't mine working with him then everything was okay in his book. Being alone outside of class wasn't so bad so long as class itself was fine. Well that's what he kept telling himself anyway. The class seemed to let him be, unless they were in class but even then he could be alone depending on the class. In one if he wasn't needed he could sit and write, usually two people did something during a class time so if that wasn't him then he could relax with the rest of them. He loved that class and the teacher because you still learned a lot just by watching.

As the semester ended and they prepped for finals everyone buckled down. None of the finals were super hard but they took a lot of work in class so they could be prepared for it. They all had to work together and help each other which was fine. Everyone had each other's back normally so that wasn't a problem. Together they all did really well and passed their finals. After the really big one they all had some time off until next semester started. Everyone said good-bye as if they would never see each other again. Kyouya knew one girl was leaving but that didn't mean it was good-bye for the rest of them. They would all see each other next week. Saying good-bye as they left made it feel like they were leaving for the year.

A few days before classes started again Kyouya saw his friend post something online about the section they were in being torn apart. Funny he had heard nothing about it. Right after he had asked him about it his cell phone went off. Picking up it was the director of his classes telling him his section was separated due to not enough people in the class for the second semester. Apparently you could have a minimum of eight in a class but not six. With that though, he was in a new group starting Monday. The good news his two closest friends from class were also with him. Thank god for that one. Still, why did he want to cry hearing this? He wasn't super close with most of them but knowing their section was disbanded upset him as much as it did the rest of them. He was grateful to be with his friends, or the ones he was closest to in the class. And who knew, maybe he would find what he was looking for this way.

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Thanks for everyone that is reading and adding it as a favorite it really means a lot to me. Please review. Hope to start the next chapter soon so stay posted  
>~Femalefighter~<p> 


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4

**Disclaimer- **I own nothing!

When would Kyouya learn that things were never going to change? This new group was nothing bunch of close knit jerks, to put it nicely. Three of them worried only about themselves. They would cut class, focus only on what they wanted with no worry about what was best for everyone. At least he was with his friends. That was the only thing that made the class better. Thanks to this switch though he was becoming closer to his friends, they talked more, stayed together more. Conversations were still awkward but since he had been partnered with his one friend they got together more. They talked deeply; Kyouya poured his heart out to him one day without realizing it until he was done. Realizing, he felt terrible for doing so before his friend told him that if he ever needed to get away to just call him and they would get together. It was a nice gesture and one he greatly appreciated. Maybe together they could help each other. His friend was doing things that worried him; maybe if they talked more he would stop as well. Maybe from this he would feel like he belonged better.

After going over what they had to for class they parted for the day, Kyouya going back to his room figuring he would be alone even if Chris was back from class or not. Standing at the subway waiting for the next one uptown Kyouya stepped back, closer to the wall, there it was again. That vision, him seeing himself at the edge of the platform, him stepping off as the train came into the station. What was happening to him? He didn't want to die, did he? No, why would he, he was becoming closer to a friend. Feeling a hole in his chest he ran back up the stairs from the subway deciding to walk back. He was more than forty blocks away but he needed to move. This feeling, this desire had to end but how?

Making it back to the dorm he was barely walking, his feet hurt, his heart hurt, his chest hurt, he was tired. Using his key card to get into the building and room he collapsed on the bed before kicking his shoes off. Shutting his eyes his mind slipped away before he realized what was happening. Rolling over he saw Chris at his computer, had he been there the entire time? What time was it? Seven thirty already? He slept much longer than he usually did, he got back around five. Feeling hungry he slipped on his shoes and key card to go to the convenient store behind the building. He would just get something quick for dinner, not in the mood to make anything and not really having the money for anything else. Grabbing a can of iced tea and microwavable burgers he walked around seeing if there was anything else he wanted while he was here like he usually did. As he looked around he could feel the emptiness in his chest still there from before. What was this? Why would it not go away? What was happening to him? How could he make this go away?

Going to bed he plugged his headphones into his iPod and let it play hoping that would help. His body tossed and turned as the negative emotions swirled around his mind. He was a failure, a loser, no one would miss him. He could vanish and no one would realize he was missing. He was away from home, his family didn't miss him, it would take them days to realize something was going on here. He was nothing but a ghost floating by day after day. Nothing but a phantom haunting all those he met in this life. The reason no one wanted him around was because he was a loser, a nobody, a freak. He wasn't like the others, he wasn't pretty, outspoken, wasn't a partygoer, wasn't a risk taker. Why was he put on this Earth if his life meant nothing? The resources he used could go to someone else, someone more deserving. Sitting up in bed he made his way to the bathroom. Carefully turning the light on and trying to not disturb Chris he closed the door and stood in front of the sink. Running the water he waited for it to become cold before letting his hands under and splashing his face with it. Coming up he saw his face in the mirror. Bags under his eyes, a permanent scowl on his face from dealing with a rough patch during his teenage years, people always thinking he was mad or bored or whatever. Feeling tears well up under his eyes he cried over the sink, over the running water. The hole in his chest tearing open further, consuming his heart, his lungs, leaving nothing behind. He couldn't go on anymore, he didn't want to. He was never going to be anything else than the loser he was. He was never going to find love, find friends, find happiness; he was doomed to be this way forever. After all why settle for him when there was much better out there?

Leaving the bathroom quietly he went to his desk looking for something, something that would help him manage this pain. Opening the center draw felt around until he came across scissors, hair trimming scissors. He never used them for that but that was not what mattered. Clutching them in his hand he felt his grip not wanting to let go of them. His mind pulled him back to the bathroom, closed the door, turned the light on, rolled his pajama sleeve up and slit his wrist. As the blood flowed to the surface of his skin his mind calmed, his eyes saw what he did, his heart slowed. There wasn't much blood at all, just a narrow cut just under his wrist. Rinsing it off he felt it start to sting as he wiped the blade, closed it, hit the light off, and left the room. Grabbing a band-aid from his desk he put it on before climbing back into bed and falling asleep for the night.

Waking up the next morning he tried to hide his band-aid from Chris just in case he noticed and got dressed, got breakfast, and headed to class. Arriving first he dropped his backpack and kept his light jacket on. He really didn't have many long sleeved shirts in the room but he had plenty of jackets. He would keep in on until his cut healed. He didn't want anyone to see what he did. He wasn't overly proud of it, he had a moment of weakness last night. And if someone saw it would they say something? What would he say if they did? He wasn't holding anyone to see it though. He didn't mean enough for them to notice anything out of place. Feeling his chest rip open his mind cursed that he left the scissors in the room. The relief he felt last night his body wanted to feel again. It was something that could help get him through this eleven hour school day. Taking his seat in the corner he barely smiled as people started to enter the classroom. He didn't want to speak, he had nothing to say, he had nothing they wanted to hear. It was better for everyone if he kept his mouth shut, stayed out of the way.  
>"Hey Kyouya." Seeing the friend he hung out with yesterday enter there was no mention of what they talked about, or even that they hung out. Nodding a "hello" Kyouya went back to his iPod, looking for a different song, a song that fit his mood better.<p>

0o0o0o0

This story is back. I am sorry for the delay; many things (including other stories) have gotten in the way. Not to mention this story, being based of what I went through, can be very hard to write at times. I hope those that have started to read this continue and continue to enjoy it. I hope to work on 5 very soon. Much Love.  
>~Femalefighter~<p> 


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